Thursday, September 25, 2014

When I don't know what to pray...

Next week is Caleb's quarterly clinic appointment and follow-up chest x-ray. He will also have his annual blood work drawn. I am always a little (or a lot) nervous before these appointments, because they are often anything but routine. How many times have I been sitting in one of those tiny rooms, receiving news I was not prepared for? Too many to count. It's enough to make me a little "gun-shy."

I am particularly anxious about this visit. Caleb's last chest x-ray showed potential evidence of disease progression, and if this x-ray looks the same (or worse), we will add a new "for the rest of his life or until the cure arrives" daily breathing treatment. If he needs it, I want him to have it. But I really don't want him to need it.

Caleb started preschool just after Labor Day and he absolutely LOVES it. He comes home singing songs he learned and is mastering new skills on a daily basis. He has also been sick or on antibiotics for the entire four weeks he's been in school. I am hopeful that this is just an adjustment period, but I can't help worrying that we'll end up in the hospital and trying to figure out "Plan B."

I have been waking up around 2:00 am for several nights now. Lying awake in the middle of the night gives one plenty of time to think, to worry, to pray. But lately, when I try to find specific words to pray, I am at a loss. I don't know exactly what to pray for. I know that sounds stupid - of course I want Caleb to be healthy and safe. But all I can seem to get out these days is, "Lord, help!"

I keep thinking, "Be still and know that I am God." Those were the first words that flew through my brain upon hearing that Caleb has CF. Are they coming back up for me now because the Lord is preparing my heart for another big change? If I'm honest, I really hope not. But ultimately, this is His story that is unfolding, not mine.

I am really struggling right now and could use your prayers. I have no specific requests; I just know we need all you can give.

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