Forty-eight hours ago Caleb seemed perfectly fine. No cough. No congestion. Today we are beginning antibiotics for the third time in as many months, a CT scan of his chest has been ordered by his doctor, and depending on the results of that scan, we may be looking at a two week hospital stay in the very near future. Our CF community optimistically refers to these "planned admissions" as "tune ups" but I have only ever seen them as something to avoid at all cost.
Today is Caleb's birthday. Instead of a party and balloons and presents and family and friends he will be doing extra treatments, taking extra medicine, and going to bed extra early. He will miss at least two, maybe three days of school this week - a fact that he is extra ticked off about because Friday is the one hundredth day of school and if you've spent any time around kindergartners, you know that's a VERY big deal.
This is what it means to be a CF mom. Life turns on a dime. Just when you take a breath and forget to worry, the rug is pulled out from under you yet again. You look around, dazed, wondering how you could have been so careless. You let your guard down, relaxed your vigilance, and now you're paying for it. You wonder if you can patch the holes in the boat one more time or if this is the time you finally sink beneath the waves.
I refuse to live my life always bracing for the next setback. I refuse to give in to the constant fear that gnaws at me every waking moment. I will not be shaken. I will stand firm and I will wait on the Lord.
I cannot do it alone. I count on the support of every one of you. Your love, your prayers, and your words of encouragement fill my cup and form my shield on days like today - days when I feel my resolve and my hope slipping through my fingers like sand.
Please pray for my sweet boy. Pray for his total and complete healing. Pray the CT scan looks better than they expect. Pray we don't have to "check in" for an extended stay at Hotel Germifornia. Pray for a calm and courageous heart, that through it all, I can still be the mom BOTH of my boys need me to be.